Tuesday, 17 February 2015

Maisa My Dear – Chapter 02

I was so surprised by all the very nice comments I had yesterday after I upload an aborted project from 2011 that I’m putting up chapter two. I’m amazed that anyone would want to read this but – never one to turn down the chance of a bit of shameless self-promotion – here are links to my latest kids book ‘Johnny Nothing’ and some other stuff contained swear words that is probably not for kids.


Johnny Nothing


Other stuff


Chapter 02


1964 – That Boy


I’ll always remember 1964 as a momentous year in which so much happened that it is difficult to know where to start. First there was sadness: sadness that was felt the world over when the American president was shot and killed by an assassin. Although this had happened late in 1963 it seemed to me that the world was in mourning for months and months afterwards. President Kennedy had been young and very handsome, too handsome to be a president. He had been sitting in a car with his wife when he had been shot. Everybody you met was talking about it, even the teachers at school. Maisa and me even saw Mr Trenchard, our rather strict and gruff geography teacher, start to cry in the classroom. This made some of the boys laugh and some of the girls cry.


Our house became a centre of mourning, with everyone from the street gathering around our TV to watch the news reports. My mother cried, too, and so did Auntie Florie, who was really my great grandmother but refused to be called that by anybody. Since the arrival of the TV Auntie Florie had more or less moved into our house. Although she actually lived in a small house just across the street from us she spent most of her time sitting in our living room watching anything that happened to be on the television. She was a nice old lady, and kind to me, but she had the annoying habit of providing a running commentary on everything that was happening on the television. “Oh look,” he’s being chased by that car,” she would say in her broad Nelson accent if she was watching an American crime thriller. Or “Oh look, the piano’s gone down the steps again!” she would say if she was watching Laurel and Hardy. Whenever she did this I would start giggling and mum would shout at me to stop.


As well as sadness there was excitement: excitement at seeing my boys conquer America. In February 1964 the Fab Four, as the press called them, had flown to America to be met with hysteria. When their aeroplane touched down there were thousands of screaming teenage girls waiting for them. Later, they had appeared on American TV and had gone down a storm. They were more famous than it was possible to imagine. Everyone was calling it ‘Beatlemania’.


By this time I was officially The Beatles’ Number Two Fan. Maisa was still Number One, of course. Although I was catching her up fast, she still had more pictures of them than me but unlike me, she was allowed to stick them on her bedroom wall. On Maisa’s urging, I had saved up my pocket money and joined The Beatles Fan Club. Every month I would receive a newsletter written by the Beatles themselves and at Christmas I received a floppy record that contained a message to their fans. It made me feel really special, like the boys were talking just to me. I even managed to persuade my mum to buy a few of their singles, although I had nothing to play them on. Because John was already taken by Maisa, my favourite Beatle was George. He was very handsome and always had a serious look on his face. He played lead guitar in the group and was very good at playing, it seemed to me he was the best guitar player in the whole world. I didn’t want to marry him, although deep down I thought that would have been nice, but he did make my heart beat a little faster whenever I looked at a picture of him.


Maisa and I were very proud of the Beatles’ success but were also a little jealous. We were jealous because there were only four of them and now they were so famous that every girl in the world seemed to want a piece of them. There was only so much to go round and we felt that we had more right than anybody else to the Beatles because we had discovered them first. It wasn’t so long ago that the grown-ups in our living room were shaking their heads and tutting in disgust and now it seemed that everyone wanted to be like the Beatles. The first sign of this was when some of the older boys in our school began to grow their hair. Prior to this the long established school hairstyle for boys was called a crewcut. This consisted of wearing the hair at the top of the head very short and having the hair at the back of the neck shaven away. It wasn’t a very flattering style but none of the boys seemed to mind too much. But now some of the boys grew their hair so long that they were called in to see the headmaster and ordered to cut it off or face detention or the cane.


Even worse, even more embarrassing was the fact that my father was now also growing his hair a little longer. “A singer’s got to keep up with the times…” he would say as he left the evenings to go out and sing in the clubs. He had even changed how he dressed. Instead of his smart black suit he was now dressing a little shabbier. Mum laughed at this and said he should stop trying to look like “mutton dressed as lamb…” But Maisa had a different opinion. “He looks gear,” she would say, which was a new word that had been invented by the Beatles. It meant ‘good’.


***


Maisa and I were now officially best friends. In fact, she is probably the first and last best friend that I have ever had. I was an only child and she became the sister I secretly always wanted. Slowly but surely we began to spend as much time as possible together and became privy to one another’s closest secrets. I learned that in Pakistan it was the custom for parents to choose a husband for their daughters. Unsurprisingly, Maisa’s parents had not in fact chosen Beatle John as a suitable candidate. Instead they had selected another Pakistani whose name was Raj Patel. Maisa showed me a photograph of him one day and I was a little shocked to discover that he was more than ten years older than her and worked in a bank. Not only that, he had no hair! Maisa crinkled her nose up in disgust as she looked at the small black and white image. “He’s an idiot,” she said. “I’m going to marry John.”


Having Maisa as a best friend was a double-edged sword. On the one hand she showed me a world that was completely new to me, she turned my life from black and white into full colour. And she she gave me the Beatles, without whom I probably wouldn’t be the person I am today. On the other hand it wasn’t easy being Maisa’s friend. One day we were walking to school and I heard a sound behind us. Following closely was a group of more than a dozen boy and girls. They were laughing at us and chanting ‘Paki! Paki! Paki!” Maisa ignored them but I turned around to face them. “Why are you doing this?” I asked.


One of the group, whom I recognised as Helen Walker, the girl that I had fought with, came forward towards me until her nose was almost touching mine. “Shut your cake hole Paki lover,” she smirked.


“You shut up!” cried Maisa, suddenly beside me, her fist raised and ready.


It was at that point that I discovered a had a talent that I had not been aware of. I could run. And so could Maisa. And we ran, ran as fast as we could away from this gang of bullies. From that point on we would run a lot. And it was lucky for us that we were generally much faster than those who were chasing us. Every day we would run – from the gang of boys and girls who waited for Maisa and me near the school gates. At break times. At dinner times. And in the afternoons, when we would run all the way home. We didn’t really mind running. In fact, we rather liked it. We liked it because we had each other.


Once I asked Maisa about the word ‘Paki’. “Why do they call you that?” I said.


“I don’t know,” replied Maisa, “I only heard that word when I came to England. It’s not a very nice word but it’s just a word. It doesn’t hurt me.”


Deep down, however, I knew that it did.


***


Yet another momentous event occurred in July of that year. For the first time ever I was allowed to go to the cinema without my parents. In those days were called it ‘the pictures’ and I was luck enough to have already been to see quite a few films. My mother had taken me to see The Jungle Book and Mary Poppins and Bambi but on those occasions she had sat beside me and held my hand. Now, after pestering my parents for weeks and weeks, I was given permission to go and see the Beatles’ first film with Maisa. It was called ‘A Hard Day’s Night’. My mother had been against us going and it was only when Mrs. Ahmed herself had knocked on our front door and asked in person that she finally grudgingly relented. Mrs. Ahmed took us on the bus to the small cinema in Nelson town centre. The queues outside the cinema stretched for miles and we had to wait patiently for more than two hours before we finally got a seat. As the lights dimmed we found ourselves surrounded by hundreds of teenage girls, most of whom were wearing Beatles badges and Beatles scarves. The film was in black and white and opened with the Beatles running through the streets being chased by hundreds of fans. But as far as what the story was about we had no idea because as soon as the film started every girl in the cinema began to scream frantically, some were even crying. After a couple of moments of this Maisa and I looked at each other and shrugged our shoulders. Then we, too, began to scream. We screamed for the whole of the film, we screamed until our voices grew hoarse and we could scream no more. We screamed for John, Paul, George and Ringo.


The day after the film neither of us could hardly speak and after the excitement of seeing the boys on the silver screen it was a terrible anti-climax to be at school, dressed in our PE kits and out on the muddy running track. Because we ran everywhere together all the time, Maisa and I were soon far ahead of the rest of our class. It was the 800 metres – two laps around the playing field – and we even had the luxury of being able to slow down a little towards the end of the race. I won easily and Maisa was second, with other classmates trailing miles behind us.


After the race Mrs. Roberts, the PE teacher, came up to us. Mrs. Roberts was a fearsome woman with sandy grey hair and a body like a walrus. She never smiled. All she did was bellow out orders and occasionally administer a whack with the back of her hand to anybody she thought wasn’t trying hard enough. Readying ourselves for obligatory telling off we were surprised when Mrs Roberts actually smiled at us. “That was very good, girls” she said, leaving us literally gobsmacked at receiving a compliment from this fearsome dragon. “But you spoiled it by slowing down at the end. Next time I want you to run as fast as you can until you finish the race.”


A week later we did as we were told, too scared to risk disappointing Mrs. Roberts. This time Maisa came in first with me close behind her. The rest of the class were a long, long way behind. Again Mrs Roberts came up to us afterwards as we caught our breath. Once more she was smiling. “That was excellent, the both of you,” she said. “I’m going to be writing to your parents about this.”


***


At first we thought that we must have done something wrong. When a parent of one of the pupils of Stoneyholme School received a letter from a teacher it was never a good thing. Usually, it was to call the parent in to school because their child had been exceptionally naughty. We knew, however, that we had done nothing wrong. Nevertheless, the both of us spent a couple of sleepless nights waiting for out letter to arrive. Mine arrived on the following Saturday morning and my father opened it. “It’s from the school,” he said, looking over at me as I ate my cornflakes. “What have you done, Sofia?”


He read the letter in silence for a few moments and then looked over at me again. His face showed no emotion. Then he handed it over to my mother, who also read it in silence. By the time she had finished reading the letter a smile was on her face. Then she passed it to me. I still have that letter. This is what it said:


Dear Mr Probert


I teach Physical Education in year four. Your daughter, Sofia, is showing unusual promise at running. With your permission I would like Sofia to take extra running lessons with me after school. This will be free of charge. I believe that with extra tuition Sofia might well be capable of competing at a much higher level.


If you agree to my proposal Sofia will need running shoes and kit.


I await your reply,


Julia Roberts,


Stoneyholme School.


Maisa’s letter was identical and that’s how it all began. That was how Maisa I began running and running and running. But more of that later.


***


There were also other letters to think about. Because in that year Maisa and I began writing letters to the Beatles. It was Maisa’s idea. She said if she was going to marry John then it would be a good idea if he first knew who she was. And so, once a month, she would write a letter to her future husband asking how he was, what he was doing, how he was feeling. She suggested that I do the same with George and we would see who got a reply. I did as she she said but there was one big problem – the meagre pocket money that my parents gave to me could barely cover the cost of my subscription to the Beatles Fan Club. I needed to find a means of making some more money.


Maisa didn’t have the same problem. Every night when she came home from school she served in her parents’ shop for a couple of hours. She enjoyed doing this and her parents even paid her a small wage that was more than enough to fund her passion for the Beatles. Maisa suggested that her parents might let me come and help in the shop and also pay me a wage and when we asked them they seemed quite pleased about it. They didn’t really need another shop assistant but they were glad that Maisa had a friend to keep her company. Before I could begin work, however, I needed my parents’ permission.


“You must be out of your tiny mind,” said my mother, when I nervously broached the subject with her. “You’re not working in that Paki shop!”


Everyone in our neighbourhood now called it the ‘Paki shop’. And it was disturbing to me because nobody seemed to realise how insulting this was. Everyone, that is, except my father.


“I think it’s a good idea,” he said, “The girl’s got to learn to make a living – and don’t call it the Paki shop!”


“Well it is the Paki shop, and think what the neighbours will think if they see Sofia working there. The shame of it…”


Mum and dad had very similar backgrounds: both were Nelson born and bred and both were the children of coal miners. But when it came to people from other countries they had very different attitudes. Mum was staunchly against anybody who wasn’t white and wasn’t from Nelson. Nowadays she would be known as a racist but in those times the word simply didn’t exist. Dad was different; I think it was his love of singing and music that did it. He was a very strict man but he was also very tolerant of others who were different than he. To my mother’s obvious disgust he even boasted of drinking beer with black people when he was up in the clubs in Manchester. I was very impressed by this because apart from on the television I had never even seen a black person in the flesh.


So there was another argument and in the end my father got his way. This was the way it was in Nelson. It was the men who made the decisions. Or rather, as I was to learn, it was the men who thought that they made the decisions. And I was allowed to work two evenings a week in the Amheds’ corner shop so that I could earn enough to keep myself in stamps, posters and records. I was overjoyed.


But then there was more sadness. One Saturday afternoon I called around to see Maisa to be told that she didn’t want to come out to play. “Maisa’s not feeling herself today,” said Mrs Ahmed when I asked what was wrong. “But why don’t you go and see her in her room. Perhaps you can cheer her up.”


I climbed the stairs and knocked on Maisa’s room but there was no answer. I knocked again and finally pushed open the door to find the room in total darkness. Buried under the bedclothes could be seen a small bump that was Maisa.


“Maisa, what’s wrong?” I said but there was no response.


I sat down on the bed and repeated my question. Slowly, the bedclothes peeled away and there was Maisa, her face streaked with tears.


“Whats the matter?” I asked again. “Has somebody hurt you?”


“Yes,” came a feeble response.


“Who?”


“John,” came the answer.


My sobbing best friend sat up in bed and told me what had happened. This morning she had picked up a copy of the Daily Mirror newspaper and seen a picture of John. Maisa’s parents always allowed her to look over the Daily Mirror. If there were any pictures of the Beatles she was allowed to cut them out and stick them in her scrapbook. She picked up what remained of the crumpled newspaper and handed it to me. On the front was a picture of John smiling at the camera. Holding his hand was a pretty blond woman.


“He’s married,” said Maisa. “He’s betrayed me. He’s already married. What am I going to do?” And with that Maisa pulled the bedclothes back over her head and burst into tears. I put my arm around her sobbing body and cuddled her. I cuddled her for the whole of the afternoon until she had cried so much that there was no more tears left to cry.




Thursday, 12 February 2015

Would You Rather: an interview with Ian Probert



truth42:




I recently undertook a blog tour – my first. I’ll probably be putting some thoughts about this on paper in the near future. In the meantime with Lizzie Baldwin’s kind permission I’m reblogging her interview with me. As you can see, it was a little different to some of the other interviews I did which often were along the lines of ‘Why do you write? How long does it take you to write a book, etc.’. Lizzie’s interview was a little more fun, and I think all the better for it.


Incidentally, you can do a lot worse than to spend a few minutes over at Lizzie’s blog. She puts a lot of effort into it. And she’s a really nice person.






Originally posted on mylittlebookblog:



download (1) Good afternoon on this rather dry and fine afternoon from Stoke-On-Trent. It might interest you to know that it was the two year anniversary of my blogging history yesterday. However being incredibly busy yesterday I didn’t have any time to do a nice post for you; so this year we’re going to celebrate it on the 19th of February which is rather fitting because I am sharing with you a wonderful guest post Q+A from an author quite close to my heart; Ian Probert. I’ll provide links but earlier this year I reviewed the book Johnny Nothing and was a little hooked. Since then I’ve had the utter joy of helping a little to promote this wonderful book.


Now in true rotten style we decide to forgo the stereotypical Q+A questions and bring you something a little more entertaining. A would you rather set of questions; this is something…



View original 2,698 more words






Wednesday, 28 January 2015

The Bullingdon Boys

Creeps


This was a little short story that I did for my friend Richard Hennerley’s web site. I’ve made a few cosmetic changes to it and decided to put it here.


I hope that it really offends some people. You know who you are.


The Bullingdon Boys


The young man with the pointed noise picked up the ashtray and admired its austere simplicity. ‘See this?’ he said in a too expense voice to the fat boy with the albino hair, ‘It’s a murder weapon.’


‘Don’t be an arse,’ said his friend who was also an enemy. ‘It’s a fucking ashtray. Any dozy fucker can see that.’


‘To you it may be an ashtray,’ said Pointed Nose. ‘But to me it’s a weapon that could destroy the world.’


‘It’s a fucking ashtray,’ said White Hair.


In the overpowering din of the Bullingdon Club in-bred faces merged in the smoke. Screams and yells of pain and pleasure floated on the air. Teenage acne combined with brandy and cigars and the salty smell of banknotes. In the corner of the vast dining room lay the corpse of a barman who had been too slow. Members tried their best to ignore the still warm body as they made their way to the coke room, where, sobbing on a sofa doused with blood was a nineteen-year-old humanities student whose name was unimportant. She was trying to earn extra money for the summer and had been routinely gang raped by 15 or 16 drunken club members. They had laughed as she cried for her mother.


‘Watch me,’ said Pointed Nose, beckoning over a worried looking waiter. ‘Hurry up man!’


White Hair looked in vague curiosity as the man lowered his head towards Pointed Nose. The was an explosion of blood – like a firework going off – as the ashtray was smashed on to the waiter’s forehead. The sound of the skull cracking forced a reluctant snigger from White Hair. ‘You fucking bastard… You fucking cunt,’ he said, neither pleased nor displeased.


As the waiter slumped groaning to the floor there we further screams in the room. Some of the screams came from the hordes of drunken onlookers but most came from the naked black girl. Her screams intermingled with her moans and the understanding that these were her last minutes on Earth. She was crudely trussed up with rope and hanging upside down from the ceiling. Some threw darts at her sweating body, others jabbed at her with complimentary scalpels that they had found in their goodie bags.


Pointed Nose put his arm around White Hair. ‘We must talk alone,’ he said, leading his companion into one of the many small private rooms in the upstairs of the club that were used for drug taking and fucking and killing.


In the silence of the room Pointed Nose lit up a pre-rolled joint and lazily inhaled. ‘Father’s been talking to me,’ he said. ‘He’s been making plans and for better or worse you’re part of them.’


White Hair’s features slowly reassembled themselves. In the half light you could not be sure if the expression was a laugh or a frown. ‘Really…’ he said. ‘What’s the old fucker been saying now?’


‘Well daddy’s bought me a place in government. I’m to start in a fairly low key position, get my feet under the table, so to speak. But that will change quickly. In under three years he assures me I will be in a top position.’


‘Fucking government,’ said White Hair. ‘It’s so fucking old hat. The real money is to made in banking. Everyone knows that…’


Pointed Nose moved his face towards the other man conspiratorially. ‘A word to the wise,’ he winked. ‘I have it on very good authority that the bottom is about to fall out of the banking market. All the smart money is moving into government. There’s a killing to be made. You have to back the right horse you know.’


‘Really? Is that so? So where do I fit in?’


‘Well father’s always had a bit of a soft spot for you – fuck knows why. He intends to keep me in a top position for five or six years. Meanwhile, we’ll get something to keep you ticking over.’


‘Such as?’


‘I don’t know… Minister Of Sport or something.’


‘Sorry… Not interested.’


‘Oh all right. How about mayor?’


White Hair moved his eyes to the ceiling and thought for a moment. ‘I’m sure you’re aware that I’ve already received a lot of perfectly serviceable offers?’


’Such as?’


‘Well there’s Richard… And Rupert for starters.’


‘Oh come on. Be serious.’


‘Hmm. I suppose you’re right.


‘You know I am.’


‘So what’s the plan?’


‘Well as I say, I’ll be there for a few years. Kick things off. Then, when the time’s right we’ll move you up, I’ll slip into the background. Bugger off to France or something. And we’ll all make a lot of money.’


A frown began to spread over White Hair’s bulging face. ‘But you hate people,’ he said. ‘You fucking hate them. And you’ll be expected to kiss babies and be fucking nice to all those working class plebs.’


‘I can be nice to anybody if you pay me enough.’


‘I’m not sure that I can, though.’


‘You can when you see the size of the pay cheque that’s waiting for you. Listen, we’re in a position to squeeze this country dry. Everybody knows that the common man is fed up with Tony and Gordon. There’s never been a better time for moving in and making your money.’


‘Tony and Gordon. What a pair of fucking buffoons…’


‘That’s right. So is it agreed? I move in. Start the ball rolling, and then you take over and I, of course, take my small percentage.’


‘A very small percentage – I can assure you of that.’


‘Naturally.’


‘Well it’s the best offer I’ve had so far.’


‘It’s agreed then.’


Hands that resembled talons were shaken as Pointed Nose and White Hair climbed to their feet and smiled at each other with twinkling young eyes.


‘I’m in the mood to celebrate,’ said White Hair, suddenly animated. ‘Let’s freebase. And then there’s one of those chicks with dicks downstairs that I’m going to fuck up the arse…’


‘You’re outrageous!’ laughed Pointed Nose at his fat companion.


‘…And then you and I are going to smash this fucking town to pieces.’




Wednesday, 14 January 2015

Interview with Matthew Smith of Urbane Publications

For my second guest blog post, here’s an interview with the very impressive Matthew Smith of Urbane Publications.


If you’re an author looking to move away from Indie Publishing you could a lot worse than to take look at what Urbane Publications are doing.


http://ift.tt/1C66TRC




Tuesday, 13 January 2015

Poet B L Bruce – Guest Blog

For my first ever guest blog I’m featuring the very talented poet Bri Bruce. Bri’s book ‘The Weight Of Snow’ has drawn considerable praise and is available to purchase on Amazon and other outlets at the links below.


3 Awards for Poetry Collection “The Weight of Snow” by B.L.Bruce


2014 International Book Awards Finalist in the Poetry Category

2014 San Francisco Book Festival Honorable Mention, Poetry Category

2014 USA Best Book Awards “Poetry” Category Finalist

Featured on the USA Book News’s 2014 USA Best Book Awards Website


twos_newfrontcover_withbadge


PAPERBACK AVAILABLE ON AMAZON $8.99


eBOOK AVAILABLE ON AMAZON, GOOGLE PLAY, iTUNES, BARNES & NOBLE, OMNILIT, AND KOBO $2.99


* * * * *


Praise for The Weight of Snow


“The poems in The Weight of Snow are heartfelt, skillfully written, and keenly observed fragments of the natural world and our lives there. Bravo.” – Gary Young, Poet Laureate of Santa Cruz County, Award-Winning Author of Pleasure, No Other Life, and Braver Deeds


“[Bruce] is the worthy heiress of Mary Oliver.” – John Gilchrist


There is nothing to say that would be as lyrical and eloquent as this poet’s language. She writes as a daughter of California’s wild places. . . . Make space, Gary Snyder, Jane Hirshfield, and Ellen Bass, there is a new poet climbing and swimming her way up to claim her place among you. – Karen K Lewis, Author and Executive Director at Mendocino Coast Writer’s Conference


READ MORE REVIEWS HERE


* * * * *


In The Weight of Snow, author B. L. Bruce explores the many plights of the human species, from the mysteries of the heart and the inescapability of death, to the depths of human emotion. Told from the perspective of a poetic naturalist, Bruce shares her appreciation of the wild, illuminating the profound in the mundane while chronicling the natural world as both an observer and as an irrefutable part of it. Her poems focus strongly on image and locality, conjuring the imaginations of readers and celebrating the beauty in the follies of the human condition and its capacity to grip the soul.


* * *




Friday, 19 December 2014

Red Christmas – A Christmas ebook-isode from the creator of Johnny Nothing

xmas, christ,as

Red Christmas



PART 1


It was Christmas morning in London. That is to say it was raining fiercely and there wasn’t a flake of snow to be seen this side of the South Pole. In households all over the city ugly ungrateful brats were busy tearing open lovingly gift-wrapped packages and tearfully complaining about what was inside them.


In other words it was a normal Christmas morning. Well, normal for anyone whose name happened NOT to be Johnny McKenzie, otherwise known as Johnny Nothing.


“Why do I never get any presents?” thought Johnny to himself as he dragged himself out of bed with a shiver.


“Brrrrrrr! It’s cold!” thought the shiver.


The other occupants of the rat-infested council flat that Johnny called home were all asleep as he and his shiver made their way downstairs into the living room. It had been a busy night for Johnny’s parents, the loathsome Felicity MacKenzie and her useless lump of lard husband Billy. As well as drinking several gallons of something that tasted like cheap lager they had found in a skip, the grisly pair had also been laying a trap for someone. Someone whom you might know very well indeed…


On Christmas mornings in most people’s homes you might expect to find a nice juicy Christmas tree covered in twinkling lights with a fairy perched on the top. Not so in Johnny’s home. Here, there was no Christmas tree. No twinkling lights. And there was no sign of a fairy with a giant pine tree stuck up her bottom. Instead, there was a sweaty old man with a straggly white beard squatting in front of the gas fire making curious gasping noises. Sort of like this: “Gasp… Gasp… Gargle…”. (Did I mention that he occasionally made gargling noises?)


The strange man was dressed from head to toe in a red all-in-one body suit with furry cuffs. On his wrinkled liver-spotted old head there was a really stupid looking hat. He looked ridiculous. I’m not joking – he really did look like a complete pillock. Moreover, someone had tied him up with rope and gagged him so that he could scarcely breathe. Johnny recognised the stranger instantly.


“Are you… Are you… Santa Claus?” Johnny asked in astonishment, prising the gag away from the old man’s mouth.


“Who do you think I bloody am?” spluttered Father Christmas. “Barrack Obama?”


“Not really…” said Johnny, fairly sure that this was not the president of America sitting in his living room.


“Untie me!” yelled the tied up stranger. “There’s going to be hell to pay – I can tell you!”


For a moment Johnny thought he was dreaming. “Am I dreaming?” he murmured, as if determined to play along with my description of what was happening.


“No you’re not bloody dreaming!” said Santa, as if determined to undermine my description of what was happening. “And if you don’t get these ropes off me I’ll have your guts for garters!”


Johnny frowned a little, as you do. He rubbed away a bit of that scummy stuff you get in the corner of your eye every morning (for a moment he considered eating it but changed his mind when he realised we were watching and wiped it on his pyjama trousers instead) and took a closer look at the stranger in the living room.


It was not every day that you got sworn at by Santa Claus.


“Are you really Father Christmas?” he asked.


“Yes,” replied the old man irritatedly, as if he was totally fed up of answering that question. “Now will you please untie me.”


Johnny dropped to his knees and began working away at the ropes that bound Father Christmas. Whoever had tied them had made a good job of it.


“No offence,” said Johnny, “but I thought that Santa Claus was just a made up person.”


“Oh… I’m real enough all right,” grumbled Santa. “Who do you think delivers all those presents every Christmas?”


“But you’ve never delivered any to me.”


“I most certainly have.”


“Well I’ve never received them.”


“Of course you haven’t – your bloody mother has always nicked them before you’ve had a chance to lay your hands on them.”


Right on cue the sound of an extinct woolly mammoth could be heard descending the stairs.


“Talk of the Devil,” groaned Father Christmas, as Johnny continued to struggle to untie him.


“Johnny stop untying him right now!!” ordered the hungover voice of the extinct woolly mammoth as it entered the room. “That silly old scrote is my prisoner!”


I suppose it’s fair to point out that it is a little cruel to compare Johnny’s mother, the delightful Felicity MacKenzie, with an extinct woolly mammoth. You have my apologies for doing so. Because woolly mammoth’s – even though they were big and hairy and smelly and prone to accidentally squishing any cavemen who accidentally got in their way – were actually quite cute. Baby woolly mammoths were particularly cute; and quite tasty on the barbecue, too, I’m told.


The same, unfortunately, cannot be said of Felicity MacKenzie, who was neither tasty nor cute. In fact, she was the opposite of tasty: quite rancidly tasteless, if such a thing is possible. The sort of human being tastebud equivalent of Brussel sprouts marinated in fart juice. And she was also the opposite of cute, which I make as being ‘etuc’, quite a meaningless word in actual fact.


She was so fat that she exerted her own gravitational pull. She was so ugly that when she was born her mother slapped herself. She was so mean that she won’t even allow me to finish this senten


Back to the story:


“Why have you tied me up!” yelled Santa Claus. “What do you want from me?”


“What do you think I want, you stupid dosser?” smiled Felicity. “I want all your presents and you’re going to give ’em to me! But before you do so, it’s time for an advertising break…”


END OF PART 1


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She was an evil woman was Felicity MacKenzie. I’m not kidding – she was really evil. More evil than Margaret Thatcher ever was – well maybe not that evil. You can read all about her (Felicity not Margaret) in my lovely smelly book entitled: Johnny Nothing. It’s available from all half-decent book retailers in ebook and paperback formats and has a really nice yellow cover with scratchy bits on it. If you’re reading this before Christmas why not click on one of the links below and you and/or your beautiful ugly child can find out what happens when Johnny’s uncle dies and leaves him a fortune only for Felicity to steal all the money from him and go on a really long shopping spree. It’s quite exciting and all that.


The Links:


The iBooks Store


Amazon UK


Amazon USA


PART 2


Felicity MacKenzie was rummaging through the large sack of presents that lay beside the still tied up Father Christmas. Beside her was a blobby heap of beer belly and builder’s crack clinker named Billy MacKenzie. If you haven’t already guessed, he was Johnny’s dad and Felicity’s husband. As usual he was unshaven and smelled of Victorian urinals and dog breath.


“This is no good!” scowled Felicity, throwing a box of Lego across the room. “We want expensive gifts. Something we can flog on eBay!”


“Stop opening my presents!” urged Santa. “They’re not for you!”


“Or what?” growled Billy MacKenzie.


“Or… Or… I’ll get very cross,” said Santa, which wasn’t really much of a threat because he was still tied up and – let’s face it – however cross he might be, Santa Claus is never going to be that scary, is he? He’s Santa Claus for goodness sake!


“I’m ravenous,” said Felicity. “’Ere Santa – you got any food in these parcels?”


“Even if I knew the answer to that question there’s certainly no way that I’m telling you.”


“Oh la-de-da.” said Felicity, which doesn’t really mean anything but people still say it from time to time.


As Santa looked on, the horrible pair continued opening the presents in his sack. Books, CDs, socks, after shave, strange looking adult toys that required batteries, and boring games like Cluedo and Monopoly were hurled to one side.


“Should you really be doing that?” asked Johnny, who had kept quiet so far while all this was going on.


“Mind your own business!” said his mother, spitting out a mouthful of perfume that she had hoped might be whisky. “And get me some food you little brat!”


Johnny went into the kitchen and rooted around for something to give to his mother. Apart from a small piece of cheese that was growing quite an impressive quiff, the fridge was lukewarm and empty. There was nothing in the food cupboard either. There was no sign of a turkey and all the trimmings waiting patiently to be cooked like you might find in other peoples’ houses. The MacKenzies rarely bothered with Christmas dinner. They usually went to the pub and if they were feeling generous they would bring home a packet of crisps for their son.


Johnny went back into the living room to give his parents the bad news. Before he could speak, however, Felicity MacKenzie let out a hoot of triumph, whatever that sounds like. “Hold on a minute,” she announced, looking over at a very unhappy Santa Claus.. “How did you get here?”


“I beg your pardon?” he replied.


“Are you stupid? I said: how did you get here?”


“Is that an existential question or do you mean into your flat?”


“Whatever!”


“Well down the chimney, of course.”


The fact that there wasn’t a chimney in the flat didn’t seem to deter Felicity MacKenzie. “No I don’t mean that you fat old imbecile!” she said. “I mean how did you get here? How did you travel to the flat?”


“Why on my sleigh, of course.”


“On his sleigh!” yelled Felicity in triumph. “And where is it now?”


“Why, it’s still parked outside.”


Felicity MacKenzie pulled herself upright and began to cackle. “Billy,” she said, “go outside and fetch our Christmas dinner.”


Billy looked confused. “Whatdoyoumean, Fliss?” he asked.


“I’ve got a special treat for us all today,” said Felicity, licking her bulbous trout lips. “…Roast reindeer.”


“Lovely,” said Billy. “But before we eat have we got time for another advert?”


END OF PART 2


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I’m not one of those writers who’s always harping on about their books. In fact, when asked at parties I often tell people that I’m a tax inspector. Sometimes I tell them that I’m a murderer. What I was going to say, however, is that if you’re enjoying the story so far you might want to to go and download the first three chapters of Johnny Nothing from the iBooks Store or from the Kindle Store. They’re free, of course. And if you end up liking them there’s another thirty or so chapters for you to read. Hold on a moment, what’s that nice smell?


PART 3


Although when pushed she could just about rustle up a Pot Noodle, Felicity MacKenzie would be the first to admit that she wasn’t much of a cook.


“I’d be the first to admit that I’m not much of a cook.” said Felicity MacKenzie, as she sat at the head of the dining table. There. I told you so.


Nevertheless, she had made a surprisingly good job of Christmas dinner. Delia Smith would have been proud. Delicious odours of cooked meat wafted around the flat like clouds of tangy loveliness making Johnny’s tummy rumble as if it were a long extinct volcano. Hold on… If it was extinct it wouldn’t be rumbling. Would it?


“Shall I carve?” asked Billy.


“Please do, my darling husband,” said Felicity, putting on her poshest voice.


While Felicity and Billy sat at either end of the dining table Johnny stood in the doorway to the kitchen looking on in horror as his blood soaked father began chopping the Christmas roast into succulent slices. Still tied up on the floor was Santa Claus, who was weeping profusely.


“Stop crying like a big baby and have a bit of dinner!” said Felicity, hurling a piece of dripping meat in his direction.


“But… But… You’ve murdered… My Rudolph…” cried Santa.


“Oh, stop fussing,” said Felicity. “How do you fancy a slice of nose?”


Billy MacKenzie had been uncharacteristically efficient with Rudolph. First he had dragged the whimpering reindeer into the flat by its harness. And then, using a carving set that he found in Santa’s sack, he had set about slaughtering the animal.


First he had cut Rudolph’s throat, collecting the gallons of blood that gushed from the wound in a tin pot that he used for soaking his feet. “We can use this for black pudding later,” he had said cheerfully.


Then he had neatly sliced the still warm and trembling carcass into smaller portions, passing a leg over to his wife, which she swiftly popped into the oven with a bit of garlic. The whole exercise was over in less than ten minutes. However, the mess this created was terrible. Everywhere you looked there was reindeer blood: on the walls, the ceiling, the curtains. Most of the blood was on Billy, who looked even redder than Santa Claus.


It was a red Christmas.


“Tuck in,” urged Felicity.


END OF PART 3


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PART 4


Dinner was over.


Felicity and Billy McKenzie slumped into their chairs in front of the telly, stuffed to satisfaction and watched as the Queen gave her annual speech.


“Philip and I would like to thank everybody for giving all of your hard-earned money to us so that you can help to maintain an oligarchy that is thousands of years old and patently unfair to all but the select few,” she smiled. “It keeps us in jewels and Corgis and helicopter rides and makes sure that you, my subjects, have no hope of ever achieving anything with your lives unless you go on the X-Factor or Big Brother or Strictly or some other asinine, turgid nonsense…”


“I love the queen,” Felicity said dreamily, as her stomach struggled to digest the unexpected influx of reindeer matter. “She’s always so honest to her people.”


“Yes, she has a lovely turn of phrase” agreed Billy.


The speech finished and the couple reluctantly got to their feet while the National Anthem played. Afterwards they sat back down again to watch a Bond movie from the 1990s with some Welsh bloke playing Bond. After that there was a Dad’s Army repeat which led to the inevitable Christmas snooze followed by a Two Ronnies repeat, a Morecambe and Wise repeat and Jurassic Park 3. It was a great Christmas day. (If you’re American and reading this you won’t have a clue what I’m going on about. But do I really care?1 )


1 The publishers of Johnny Nothing – Red Christmas would like to point out that its author, Ian Probert, actually loves all Americans. He adores them all – he really does. He frequently kisses them and is definitely grateful for chewing gum and their assistance in World Wars I and II. (Although it’s only fair to point out that America made an awful lot of money from selling supplies to the the UK during both wars. Furthermore, it’s unlikely that America would ever have entered World War II but for the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbour. (Which, in itself, is a bit of a joke. I mean have you ever compared the size and population of Japan and the USA? It’s like an ant attacking a rhino.))


Yes, the author loves America. Elvis… Chubby Checker… Cindy Lauper… All of you. So there.


In the morning there was only one more thing to think about. The remaining bits of Rudolph had been stuffed into the fridge and under the sink and in the bath and into various cupboards. The presents that had been pilfered from Santa’s sack were already on eBay. (Although Felicity wasn’t particularly hopeful that they would make that much money from their ill-gotten gains – all of Santa’s presents seem to have come from the Pound Shop.) It was just a question of what to do with Santa Claus.


Santa Claus. All over the world that name had suddenly become hated overnight. This was because, apart from a couple of isolated regions in the south of England, no presents had been delivered anywhere else.


Santa Claus. Millions of parents were left wondering how to stop their children’s desperate tears. “But it’s not our fault,” said mothers and fathers everywhere. “It’s that evil Father Christmas who’s to blame.”


Santa Claus: you could almost swim in the wave of bitter disappointment that washed over the globe.


Santa Claus: What a smelly old rat!, thought everyone. We never really liked him anyway.


On television, newscasters told tales of that hated devil named Santa Claus. Apparently a particularly favourite habit of his was to beat up old grannies. Police and politicians were interviewed, universally condemning this once adored figure. A warrant for Santa’s arrest was issued by Interpol. In many countries the death penalty was reinstated in anticipation of Santa’s capture.


On Boxing Day there was knock on the MacKenzies’ front door. “He’s in here,” said Felicity to a man waving an identity card. Earlier that morning, Felicity had called the police and told them that she had apprehended a familiar looking intruder.


“Get him boys,” said the man, and at once a dozen or so police officers bundled into the council flat. “Give him a bit of a hiding!”


“I caught him killing a reindeer,” said Felicity. “So Billy banged him on the head and we tied him up.”


“Thank you madam,” said another man. “You’ve done a great service to the nation.”


Santa Claus was handcuffed and taken into police custody. Three days later he was sentenced to death without trial. The Home Secretary’s triplets had caused such a fuss when they discovered they had no Christmas presents that he had vowed to get an instant revenge.


At the execution a jeering crowd threw rancid Christmas puddings at the cowering figure of Santa Claus. Some hurled chocolate cherry liqueurs and stale Crunchie’s from their selection boxes. As his head was placed into the noose, Santa was asked if he had any last words.


The old man hunched his shoulders and coughed. Then he replied: “Yes I do, actually.”


The crowd grew silent as the man known as Father Christmas or Santa Claus or Saint Nicholas uttered his final words:


“What an ungrateful bunch you are,” he said softly. “For thousands of years I’ve been making and delivering presents for you all and never once have I received a thank-you for my troubles.


“Despite living in a freezing cold draughty house in the North Pole with no-one for company save for a couple of imps and a reindeer with a genetic nose impairment you’re still not satisfied.


“Despite having to sit on rooftops for most of December waiting for your little brats to post their Christmas wish list up the bloody chimney I’ve never got so much as a ‘ta very much, mate’.


“Despite having to listen to endless crappy Christmas records by the likes of Slade and Wizzard and Bing bloody Crosby you still want more.


“Despite depositing millions of gifts into your kids’ stockings for longer than I care to remember, it doesn’t stop you from hinting to them that it was actually really YOU who bought the presents.


“So goodbye and good riddance you ungrateful mob. In future YOU can fish around in red hot coal embers retrieving your semi-literate kids’ note to Santa. YOU can spend literally minutes on Amazon ordering your brats’ myriad requirements, complete with personalised message and reasonably competitively priced gift wrapping paper. YOU can take delivery of the parcels, a couple of days later, signing for them, unpacking them and then hiding them under your bed or in a cupboard somewhere. YOU can wait until your kids are asleep on Christmas Eve and then creep into their bedrooms and carefully place their gifts at the foot of the bed. And YOU can sit and watch while they open those presents believing that are not from you – their bloody parents – but from some mythical, sleigh-driving deity from the North Pole.”


There was a murmur among the crowd as the spectators took in Santa’s words. Finally, a crescendo of voices rose up and almost to a man began chanting the same words:


“LET HIM…” they cried, thinking of all the hard work they would have to do if Santa was allowed to go to the gallows.


“LET HIM…” they chanted, wondering how their lives might change without this universal figure of kindness and joy.


“LET HIM…” they chorused, trying to imagine what life would truly be like without Christmas.


“LET HIM… DANGLE!”


THE END




Sunday, 7 December 2014